I think today I am going to write a little about what it is like dating as a bald woman. Well, actually, I will write about what it was like for me to start dating as a bald lady. I had three takes.
Take One:
I was in high school when I lost all of my hair. I hadn't even had a first kiss. I had gone on a couple dates but they were extremely awkward and nothing more really came of it. 14 going on 15 and feeling like all my femininity had been stripped away before I even knew what it was or how to use it.
My first boyfriend. It was my senior year and some how or another I had forced myself into enough social situations, as uncomfortable as it was for me, that I meet a boy who actually fancied me. He was a sweet, kind and adorable boy. I was not ready or able to feel love at that time. I was too ashamed of myself. He asked me once why I would shy away from holding his hand in public. I was afraid people would judge him for being with a girl with no hair. I thought I was protecting him. I was basically broken and couldn't give him the support and trust that needs to come from both sides of a relationship. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and give the middle finger to all those who stared and talked behind my back. That way I could have really experienced what it was like to love and be loved. To give it my all. But thats not how the world works. Sadly, we do not portray time in a wibbly wobbly timey wimey fashion. (wink wink nudge nudge) . If you got both those quotes I love you.
We broke up twice. And both times were because I was too depressed to love myself. Its true, you know, you can't be fully in a relationship if you don't know how to love yourself. Many of my relationships ended because I was too ashamed of me to be me in front of the one person you are supposed to be yourself around.
Take Two:
I was senior year in college, 2nd semester. I had just gone through a break up with a long time boyfriend that I had always worn wigs around. So, I was going to try dating without hair. There were 2 boys this time. Well, one was a boy and the other was a man. I met both while working at Home Depot. (Wigs vs. Bald in the work place ... that would be an interesting entry. remind me later) The younger one worked in the garden department and was about 3 years younger than me and a complete sweetheart. It was full of witty banter and laughter. The first date was at a thai restaurant. I had gotten comfortable walking around Home Depot without a hair piece but once I got into a situation where people could judge me and him together outside of the work place I froze. Oh, I wasn't ready for it. I look the hat off my head and even though there weren't a lot of people around I started over heating. He saw how I was shutting down. I told me I was beautiful and that I would never have to be worried around him. But I wasn't ready for this. We hung out a couple times more but I couldn't handle it. The older man worked in the electric department at Home Depot. He was a good man but he was 10 years older. The same experience happened with him but this time it happened on a hike. There are fantastic people in the world, the trick is letting them love you.
Take Three:
Well, take three is happening now. And guess what people! I am actually loving myself. Its true, I am still going through my ups and downs but I am putting my needs first and being kind to myself. If I am having a bad day because of my alopecia I embrace it. Its okay to feel that emotion and not put yourself further down because of it. Acknowledge it and pick your head back up. Meeting knew people still scares me but I think that my panic attacks are started to calm. Sometimes I repeat in my head that I have to breath and punch life in the face. Then I am able to think again and be part of conversations. Lets see how things go... Hopefully, the third times the charm.
